I've been writing notes to you frequently at this point. And wouldn't you know it- it's helping me relieve stress, among other things. Here's one of the few i choose to make public; I hope you don't mind.
Harper,
Let me dispel a rumor for you. Whirlwind relationships (for the most part...i mean you do have those rare, beautiful exceptions, but chances are, you aren't one of those) DO NOT WORK. Sure we've all met that person who, like in any love movie, we met by chance and in one night we seemed to talk with them about EVERYTHING. And the night ended in a cheesy-did-i-really-spend-10-bucks-on-this-movie style kiss. Isn't that cute? It is. And you might go home feeling butterflies, and if you are anything like your mom, you might go write in your diary, or blog or whatever they have in your time.(why am i imagining some jetsons-type technology now?) You might even be so "love-struck" that you write little haikus about that person.
Let me give you the reality. Someone (and to be honest I forgot who) told me that relationships like this end as quick as they start. And for me, and for many of my friends, both girls and guys that has been the truth. I'll go the extra step and let you know that they typically end before they start too. Are you really about to start dating someone off one night (or even a few weeks of emotions?) The chances are the answer is yes, because we all do it at least once in our lives. My goal with this letter is to prevent you from doing it multiple times, (as I have. Growing pains-sigh.) especially as you grow into your twenties and older. Think about it. There are normally several reasons for these quick pop-up relationships. 1) you are bored. 2) you've been single for some time and you're looking for someone. 3) you have a strong physical attraction to the person. 4) you just got out of a relationship. 5) That person has a need they offer you. (whether its money, transportation/car [even though i hope i've gotten you a car], housing/shacking up [a whole 'nother thing that im not with, but that's for later], etc.) I strongly encourage you to re-think your relationship if its based off any of these.
At this point you might be saying "well hell, we can build on what we have now." Yes, you can. But think like this: Who moves into a house, and then tries to build up the foundation? And sadly, many try, but do you think the house is going to get more stable this way? No if anything the foundation is even shakier. It's sad really. I mean, is that really smart at all? Nah. And how long are you going to try to stretch out something that you know isn't working for the sake of saying you have somebody?
From my personal experiences (which may be completely different from yours), these whirlwind relationships serve as a placeholder to half-ass fill a void someone might be missing. That's dangerous, stressful, and not worth your time (among other things). And your time is EVERYTHING.
So what's the solution? Well, I would say find someone you have established something with, and let things happen naturally. I haven't experienced this yet, but I also haven't had a truly successful relationship-so im guessing there is a correlation here. People are so quick to rush things- ESPECIALLY relationships, that people now NEED to know if you like them within the first week, and you gotta be claiming them within 2 months. I've suffered from this. Most "relationships" start off as a contract now: That we are going to be "friends" for a month, but we only started communicating in the first place strictly based off finding each other attractive. But i know this train of thought leads nowhere. And that attractiveness about the other person wears off QUICK and they become boring, annoying, lame, etc.
I think friendship is the best bet. Does this mean that every man (or girl...depends on who you like) you are a friend with is going to become your next significant other? Nah, i have plenty of guy friends that are like brothers, that I wouldn't see in that manner ever. But with your true friends you can unashamedly be who you are. Isn't that what you want in a relationship? You can share your secrets with them. You can grow with them. That's dope. And maybe, one day you'll find a friend that you don't wanna be just friends with. And that will become something else. This might take months or even years, but think about it-you started off as friends; what can be better. Like i said, I haven't tried that approach to love, but that seems like the strongest foundation to me. And really: it might seem plausible as kids (14-21) but when you get older you WILL ask yourself, Did i really think this was going to work (like long term work) when we were never really friends? The thought will be humorous to you, im sure.
Maybe one day I will meet a friend and we will get to that point. And when the foundation is strong, level and set, THEN we can build a house. I'm hoping you can do the same in your relationships. Here's the bottom line: relationships are to be cherished. They aren't just something to do. Mature people realize that if now isn't the right time for you to be in a relationship, then DON'T. Same goes for the right person. Don't give your time to just anyone. Its that simple. Everyone isn't worth your time or effort, even though they may seem like a good catch. Even consider this (and yes I'm paraphrasing these lyrics from a lauryn hill song) but you can pass up who God has placed in your life, the person you need, looking in the other direction trying to focus on what you think you want. (The lauryn hill lyrics for reference:
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it.
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to beIf you just let it.)
Will turn out what you want to beIf you just let it.)
Remember...im no expert. Just sharing my past and reality.
Until I see you,
Jessika
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