My dearest Harper,
You do not yet exist. You are in fact, at best, a glimmer in my eye. But one day, when God sees fit, he will bless me with you (i hope). And there will be times where we won't see eye to eye. And I may say to you "I've been your age before" and while you know that will be true, you still won't believe that I can truly relate.
Although i might be old, lame and "unable to understand" then, I'm writing this now so you can know that you are not alone. You will never be alone. At 22, (I'll be 23 in 31 days...happy birthday to me!) there are many life lessons I have learned and many to be learned. I feel like if I can share these with you as I am going through them now, they will be "more real". They won't be polished anecdotes that parents normally spit out with a cliche' moral. You're at the age (whatever that may be) where you can understand this pain, this joy, and these lessons. This first letter will be public. The rest, will be kept in a notebook...and as I get older, I hope to give you volumes of what I have learned. I wish I would have started earlier, because boy...those teenage years will be HARD, and I'm sorry I cannot bear those growing pains for you.
Let me start off with the fun stuff. A virtual time capsule if you will:
Gas is ridiculously high. Not the highest I've seen...but high none the less. $3.35 a gallon.
I currently drive a 2002 Chevy Cavalier. It is now 2013. You do the math.
I graduated college not too long ago, December 15th of last year, and I have a few part time jobs in media, but nothing major.
I live at home with my momma.
Tumblr, Facebook and Twitter are all sites we are consumed by as a generation.
The front page of the Washington post today reads: Why are boomers resorting to suicide? The article is referring to the baby boomer generation by the way.
Okay, now that the fun part is over, let me address what's been weighing down on me lately. As a young woman in 2013, so much of the media, and society, my peers, my loved ones, etc. have been fed what is acceptable of a woman. Sadly, women are given this unrealistic ideal and expected to live up to it. I'm worth more if my hair is long, down my back, and of a "good grade". My value increases for every dress size I decrease. My brown eyes are not seen as beautiful, and my brown skin isn't praised. There are literally thousands of articles on "how to get a man to like you", and "what to wear to get a man to notice you", and I could go on. There will be literally be men (or women) who will not talk to you without knowing "what you look like" first. They would rather take into consideration if you have a fat ass or a small waist or a cute face before they ever check for your intelligence, sense of worth and confidence. It is sad really, but they (not all, but most) have been taught (by peers, environment, society, the media) to appreciate only a certain kind of woman. And they aren't mentally strong enough or secure enough in themselves to think differently. (By the way, this idea is called "groupthink"and it is an actual psychological phenomenon.)
Harper, please don't get sucked into this. It will be hard not to. Kids (and adults) can be cruel. Some will make jokes for the sake of a laugh at the expense of your self-esteem. You might not feel beautiful everyday. You might not feel adequate.
Let me tell you something now: You are enough. You will always be enough.
Although its something I personally have to train myself to believe everyday (no one has ever told me I am enough, not even at the age of 22), I want, and NEED you to know this from the minute you breathe on this earth. There is nothing you should do outside of being yourself to get a man or woman's attention. You don't have to dress a certain way, you don't have to like certain things,you don't have to look a certain way, you don't have to stave yourself or excessively workout to obtain a significant other.
When i got to middle school, my momma told me that the boys were never going to look at me if I didn't wear earrings everyday and iron my clothes. Her "advice" (and i use that word extremely loosely) was reducing my worth down to wearing CZ studs and clothes that held no wrinkle. You cannot imagine the amount of times I've dressed a certain way (that was MAD uncomfortable to me) for the sake of being noticed.
Im not saying walk around in wrinkled clothes to prove some radical statement. Im saying wear your clothes, ironed or not, because you like them ironed, not ironed, or like your mom, you really couldn't give a damn how your clothes looked, because there are MUCH more important things to worry about. (at the time of the "ironing" accident, I was more worried about the release of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and my sickle cell genetics project for 6th grade science.)
Or maybe you don't share the same issues I have. Maybe you turn heads everywhere you go. Maybe every guy at school talks about how fine you are. Although I have zero experience in this area (you might want to talk to your aunt jas about this), I'll try to help. You may be wondering if the guys can see anything past your looks. If all you have to offer is your body and physical, then maybe the mental and emotional isn't important to develop. This isn't true. Your physical can change, and even if it doesn't, what makes a person TRULY attractive is what they hold in their mind, their heart and their character.
When you are looking for someone, make sure they LOVE you. Not because you fit in what they think is an ideal woman or relationship, not because you are fine, or you have "good hair" or "pretty eyes", but because you are YOU. Find someone that smiles at the way you laugh, even if it sounds silly (that last part is referring to me). Someone whom you inspire, and who inspires you. Someone who can help you change for the better without losing yourself in the process. Someone who shares your passions. Someone who can open you up to better and new things. That is what makes a great mate. Love is not a conditional thing. "I'll only love you if you stay skinny, if you keep your hair like this...if you do this for me". That is not love. At best that is infatuation. And infatuation is dangerous.
Hopefully you will see love everyday in the examples of me and your dad (whoever he might be, because let me tell you...i don't know the answer to that one yet), and how I love you.
So while you are reading this, you might be more than shocked to find out that I once thought like you did, went through the same struggles you did. I made it through, and you will too. As you grow, you will build a tight knit support system of friends, cousins, etc., but your parents have to be that first foundation.
I hope you will find this, and the other letters helpful.
Until I see you,
Jessika (because mom seems ridiculously awkward right now)
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