Im never going to have all the answers

Harp, (because im actually that lazy and rather type an explanation than two more letters)

You know what?

I'm scared about my future. My life has never been so uncertain and unpredictable. I stepped back and did some inventory on my life.

This past week, I made 6 months out of college. I still haven't landed my dream (entry-level) job.
My [lack of] love life is weird. Im both upset and happy that I'm not in a relationship. Its like i do AND don't need the distraction. For example, I over thought things yesterday, thinking of a solution to my financial issues (job) without having to compromise my passion (media/creativity). It literally gave me a migraine, and some anxiety. And then i had no one to call. Sometimes, and im sure you'll feel this way one day, you just want to lay on a chest.

Haha, I wish there was a "classier" way to put this. But there is little more intimate than hearing someone's heartbeat. I found myself scared, with a headache, racing 100 miles per hour, vulnerable, anxious, (and did i mention scared...like terrified that im not going to ever get it together) and all I wanted to do was lock hands with someone and lay on them.

But then i think about how distracted I get with men. There hasn't been a man I've met in my life that I haven't been so worried about "keeping"them that I  haven't lose myself in the process. I've even done that with friends. So, that's why I convince myself its not worth it. And just as an overall means of protection. [and other stuff-that i've gone in detail about in the notebook] And while I'm not easy to fall in love with, I do weirdly believe that once you get to that point with me, you're kinda stuck there-if we date or not. Im a hopeless romantic. And im difficult. And amazing and not boring.

And i don't have the time or mind for that kind of love right now. sigh.

And then I looked at just how im feeling about myself, my body image and my abilities/skillset and there again, I feel like im lacking. The way I rationalize it, I must be lacking something major to keep getting interviews with great companies but not sealing the deal.

And with this new low in confidence, and all the desire I had in me months ago (ready to conquer the world) completely depleted, I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I can't even feel happiness for my friends. I've tried to but I can't. Some of them have gotten new houses, new jobs, new relationships and I don't have the energy in me to be happy for them anymore, or to support them anymore. Sometimes, I feel bad about that but I put SO much in heavily supporting everyone, and trying to at least "seem" like I got it together, that its just gone.

I feel like im in mental solitary confinement.

So this part of my life is scary. I'm scared. and whether its true or not, I feel alone. I've been giving you "advice" as I learn these lessons in life. That's been the idea behind the blog, and behind the little journal I've been keeping for you.

But sometimes, I don't even have the answers.

Until I see you,
Jessika