A writing exercise.

Harper,

Sharing is caring. Have you heard that statement? Its true.

Today I want to share a quote I found that is SO true and valid:

"Because when something happens, she's the person I want to tell.The most basic indicator of love."
-David Levithan

Let that sink in. If you feel that way about someone: face, it...you're in love. or in the very least, you love them. And of course, I can't wait to be that person for someone; and be able to feel that-like know im the first person  that's on their mind when something special happens, or funny, or when they have personal/family stuff.

Anyways, but before I can be that person, and before I can be in love with someone, I gotta love myself. So I'm going to write down 5-10 things I love about myself. Now you can show me this when you get it, but more importantly I want you to write down and SHARE with me what you love about yourself. 

So here I go:

1. My laugh. Its loud, obnoxious and fun.
2. My hair, its kinky and big and amazing.
3. My hands...they are huge and can palm a basketball.
4. My eyes...not hazel or green, but they hold A LOT of emotion.
5. My mind- perhaps the most attractive thing about me is my mind- my emotions, my intelligence.
6. My smile. I think its bright and fun and loving.
7. My ability to make people laugh. I love making people smile or laugh. Im not clown but i like being there for my friends. 

I cannot wait to share with you!

(also, while talking to kay, i thought that if you ever had a sister, her name should be Emmerson.)

But thats neither here nor there.

Until I see you,
Jessika 

Im never going to have all the answers

Harp, (because im actually that lazy and rather type an explanation than two more letters)

You know what?

I'm scared about my future. My life has never been so uncertain and unpredictable. I stepped back and did some inventory on my life.

This past week, I made 6 months out of college. I still haven't landed my dream (entry-level) job.
My [lack of] love life is weird. Im both upset and happy that I'm not in a relationship. Its like i do AND don't need the distraction. For example, I over thought things yesterday, thinking of a solution to my financial issues (job) without having to compromise my passion (media/creativity). It literally gave me a migraine, and some anxiety. And then i had no one to call. Sometimes, and im sure you'll feel this way one day, you just want to lay on a chest.

Haha, I wish there was a "classier" way to put this. But there is little more intimate than hearing someone's heartbeat. I found myself scared, with a headache, racing 100 miles per hour, vulnerable, anxious, (and did i mention scared...like terrified that im not going to ever get it together) and all I wanted to do was lock hands with someone and lay on them.

But then i think about how distracted I get with men. There hasn't been a man I've met in my life that I haven't been so worried about "keeping"them that I  haven't lose myself in the process. I've even done that with friends. So, that's why I convince myself its not worth it. And just as an overall means of protection. [and other stuff-that i've gone in detail about in the notebook] And while I'm not easy to fall in love with, I do weirdly believe that once you get to that point with me, you're kinda stuck there-if we date or not. Im a hopeless romantic. And im difficult. And amazing and not boring.

And i don't have the time or mind for that kind of love right now. sigh.

And then I looked at just how im feeling about myself, my body image and my abilities/skillset and there again, I feel like im lacking. The way I rationalize it, I must be lacking something major to keep getting interviews with great companies but not sealing the deal.

And with this new low in confidence, and all the desire I had in me months ago (ready to conquer the world) completely depleted, I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I can't even feel happiness for my friends. I've tried to but I can't. Some of them have gotten new houses, new jobs, new relationships and I don't have the energy in me to be happy for them anymore, or to support them anymore. Sometimes, I feel bad about that but I put SO much in heavily supporting everyone, and trying to at least "seem" like I got it together, that its just gone.

I feel like im in mental solitary confinement.

So this part of my life is scary. I'm scared. and whether its true or not, I feel alone. I've been giving you "advice" as I learn these lessons in life. That's been the idea behind the blog, and behind the little journal I've been keeping for you.

But sometimes, I don't even have the answers.

Until I see you,
Jessika

Overwhelmed and Underwhelmed.

Harper,

Today was exciting. I have something in the works (that I will describe to you in detail later. Hopefully by the time you're around YEARS from now, it will still be in existence. But that is beyond the point.

Today was one of the few times in the 6 months i've been out of school that I jumped back into the creative process. It was exhilarating. And i know every step of this won't be as easy, or as fun but it will be worth it. That being said, I am my own worst enemy. You know how many businesses have come and gone in my head in the last 6 months....that cost under 1000 to start? Several. I always blame it on not having the right support system, because for some reason the people that I love have to be super supportive of something for me go through with it. That ends. Sometimes you have to be your complete support system. Now im not saying I don't have anyone who believes in me. But how can I expect someone to see my vision, when its mine? Its selfish of me to want them to invest so much into something that is just a dream of mine. Friends and family (Well good friends and loving family) are supportive, but you have to be that catalyst.

Another thing I wanted to touch down on is feeling both overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. It comes with the over achiever territory-I feel like a failure. I should be making 50K in my mind, 6 months out of college with a liberal arts degree. Although its not realistic, its what I feel. So because im not there, I feel overwhelmed with pressure to succeed. Normally I use this to my advantage to exceed my own expectations, but lately I haven't been able to do that. Im just SEVERLY underwhelmed with the job market, the kind of jobs in my field, and the lack of creativity in my field (which is crazy because media is a CREATIVE field). There are no revolutionary, we-are-going-to-change-the-world PR groups in Houston. Especially not one hiring a young, passionate, black girl with amazingly nappy hair. Its more than underwhelming, its sad. How many brilliant people are working at starbucks or in a field they don't LOVE because those doors weren't open. But ill save that for another day.

Contrary to what you might think, its okay to get the hell away sometimes. Sometimes, I feel like I have such a responsibility as a daughter, grand-daughter, cousin, friend, best friend, etc that I feel stretched thin. But then i think if I'm not the support system for my friends and family, who will be? I mean I don't like most people, but those whom I care about, I LOVE. But if i can't love myself or take the time to take care of myself, then I cannot properly care for those around me. And its okay for someone to care and love me. Sometimes the roles can be reversed. I've spent so much time protecting me from being hurt by blocking things, that now I can't believe someone when they say they love me, or they support me, or they believe in me. Never neglect what is going on with you. Trust me when I say neglecting it only makes it worse. 

I cut off my phone today and felt free. I closed my macbook and had fun (oh, its possible lol). There is so much power in your 2 lb brain that sometimes you don't need all the technology and all the busy stuff going on in the world, you literally just need you.

You will be shocked at how refreshed just taking "you" time out of your day or week to just get away can change your mindset.

So Harper, go conquer the world! (like I already know you have been) In the end, YOU are responsible for how far you go!

Until next time,
Jessika

Something light hearted.

Hey Harper,

I'm so awkward. Im sure you've picked up on this by now. I find complete peace in being alone. When I'm around people, I often try to make sure they are comfy at the sake of me being uncomfy.

Which makes me awkward. But when I like a guy, Im sure its obvious. I call and text and blow up his phone. With random things. When I'm not looking at a guy like that, I don't/rarely call and I don't bother them. Even though i don't think its possible for this to be hereditary, I've had a long history of assuming that men who say hello to me liked me. It took me until 12th grade to get it. Girl, i wrote love letters to boys for YEARS and got rejected for years hahaha. Ive had my love notes passed around, etc. It was embarrassing and painful and i hated every minute growing up, but its hilarious now. Just another sign that growing pains are a weird thing. When i got to 12th grade, I stopped all of that.

But unfortunately, I'm still slow. as slow as molasses in a alaskan snow storm honey.

And i still can't grasp the concept of someone liking me. Let me tell you some stories. The last day of 9th grade, I really liked this guy (who ended up being my boyfriend) and I had no clue that he liked me back. It literally took him throwing his number on a balled corner of paper directly into my eye as he walked off the bus for me to get a hint.

I had a boyfriend in college who (as a friend) was like "you know i like you right?" and i would just laugh until i snorted. Super nervous awkward laughter. He was persistent and we eventually dated.

So you know what that says about me?
I need a confident person i guess. Because im literally so slow that when a guy likes me I need to see [I LIKE YOU/IM FLIRTING] after each text or conversation because I can literally not tell the difference between flirting and nice. So i just assume everyone is nice. Its easier that way lol.

So when you walk past your dad today, (whoever he may be), give him a high five-he was bold enough to let me know how he felt.

Until I see you,

Jessika

P.S. Check this out:

Although im sure its photoshopped, how can one person have so much air in their lungs?

HILARIOUS.

(okay im gone now...goodnight)

Temporary stuff.

Hey Harper.

I've been writing notes to you frequently at this point. And wouldn't you know it- it's helping me relieve stress, among other things. Here's one of the few i choose to make public; I hope you don't mind.

Harper,

Let me dispel a rumor for you. Whirlwind relationships (for the most part...i mean you do have those rare, beautiful exceptions, but chances are, you aren't one of those) DO NOT WORK. Sure we've all met that person who, like in any love movie, we met by chance and in one night we seemed to talk with them about EVERYTHING. And the night ended in a cheesy-did-i-really-spend-10-bucks-on-this-movie style kiss. Isn't that cute? It is. And you might go home feeling butterflies, and if you are anything like your mom, you might go write in your diary, or blog or whatever they have in your time.(why am i imagining some jetsons-type technology now?) You might even be so "love-struck" that you write little haikus about that person.

Let me give you the reality. Someone (and to be honest I forgot who) told me that relationships like this end as quick as they start. And for me, and for many of my friends, both girls and guys that has been the truth. I'll go the extra step and let you know that they typically end before they start too. Are you really about to start dating someone off one night (or even a few weeks of emotions?) The chances are the answer is yes, because we all do it at least once in our lives. My goal with this letter is to prevent you from doing it multiple times, (as I have. Growing pains-sigh.) especially as you grow into your twenties and older. Think about it. There are normally several reasons for these quick pop-up relationships. 1) you are bored. 2) you've been single for some time and you're looking for someone. 3) you have a strong physical attraction to the person. 4) you just got out of a relationship. 5) That person has a need they offer you. (whether its money, transportation/car [even though i hope i've gotten you a car], housing/shacking up [a whole 'nother thing that im not with, but that's for later], etc.) I strongly encourage you to re-think your relationship if its based off any of these.

At this point you might be saying "well hell, we can build on what we have now." Yes, you can. But think like this: Who moves into a house, and then tries to build up the foundation? And sadly, many try, but do you think the house is going to get more stable this way? No if anything the foundation is even shakier. It's sad really. I mean, is that really smart at all? Nah. And how long are you going to try to stretch out something that you know isn't working for the sake of saying you have somebody?

From my personal experiences (which may be completely different from yours), these whirlwind relationships serve as a placeholder to half-ass fill a void someone might be missing. That's dangerous, stressful, and not worth your time (among other things). And your time is EVERYTHING.

So what's the solution? Well, I would say find someone you have established something with, and let things happen naturally. I haven't experienced this yet, but I also haven't had a truly successful relationship-so im guessing there is a correlation here. People are so quick to rush things- ESPECIALLY relationships, that people now NEED to know if you like them within the first week, and you gotta be claiming them within 2 months. I've suffered from this. Most "relationships" start off as a contract now: That we are going to be "friends" for a month, but we only started communicating in the first place  strictly based off finding each other attractive. But i know this train of thought leads nowhere. And that attractiveness about the other person wears off QUICK and they become boring, annoying, lame, etc.

I think friendship is the best bet. Does this mean that every man (or girl...depends on who you like) you are a friend with is going to become your next significant other? Nah, i have plenty of guy friends that are like brothers, that I wouldn't see in that manner ever. But with your true friends you can unashamedly be who you are. Isn't that what you want in a relationship? You can share your secrets with them. You can grow with them. That's dope. And maybe, one day you'll find a friend that you don't wanna be just friends with. And that will become something else. This might take months or even years, but think about it-you started off as friends; what can be better. Like i said, I haven't tried that approach to love, but that seems like the strongest foundation to me.  And really: it might seem plausible as kids (14-21) but when you get older you WILL ask yourself, Did i really think this was going to work (like long term work) when we were never really friends? The thought will be humorous to you, im sure.

Maybe one day I will meet a friend and we will get to that point. And when the foundation is strong, level and set, THEN we can build a house. I'm hoping you can do the same in your relationships. Here's the bottom line: relationships are to be cherished. They aren't just something to do. Mature people realize that if now isn't the right time for you to be in a relationship, then DON'T. Same goes for the right person. Don't give your time to just anyone. Its that simple. Everyone isn't worth your time or effort, even though they may seem like a good catch. Even consider this (and yes I'm paraphrasing these lyrics from a lauryn hill song) but you can pass up who God has placed in your life, the person you need, looking in the other direction trying to focus on what you think you want. (The lauryn hill lyrics for reference:
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it.

And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to beIf you just let it.)

Think wisely when choosing who to call your significant other. And make sure the foundation is laid strong and evenly. Don't walk into a house built on top of sand. You probably won't realize it until its too late.

Remember...im no expert. Just sharing my past and reality.

Until I see you,

Jessika

Envy. Wednesday. June 5th 2013.

Harper,

Did you know life isn't fair? And at 22, I really don't think it will ever be. Let me tell what I've learned so far about a little thing called envy.

There are going to be times, (no matter what you do) that things are going to piss you off. It might be the guy you like and his girlfriend, when you know that you could treat him better, but you seem to go unnoticed. It might be the person who so effortlessly is good at something that you have to work hard for. Or it might be people less qualified than you getting good jobs (<--this is my current struggle).

It's okay to be upset at these things. But, simply put, let it go.

Do not waste your time, your energy and your space on what you do not have. Envy is dangerous. It is a poison that prevents you from seeing the big picture. Envy can (and will) block your blessings or you will miss them as you worry about what you don't have.

Trust me when I say you have everything you need right now; even if you cannot see it like that.

Trust your struggle. Learn from it.

Until I see you,
Jessika

Dear Harper,

Did I tell you that today my car stalled plenty of times, and over heated? Sigh....very stressful darling.
Here's a quick tip: Keep water in your car for your radiator.
If you need to push a car yourself (as I did today)...put it in neutral and walk it to the shoulder or home or somewhere safe and close.
Call me, or any family first.
Never be dependent that you will have a male figure to help you through these times....learn your car. (even though family should be able to help)
If its dark outside, but on your emergency lights, lock your door, and call someone.